TRUST.

What kind of trust do I have these days?

What will it take to bring things back?

Is that even my job? to bring things back? Because I pushed them away. So in my head, it is. But at the same time, it seems as though every time I try to MAKE something happen, that bunny bolts. In the opposite direction. Very fast. and very far.

My family and I are still waiting to see if they get approved for the parent plus loan that is paying for my school. I want to trust that it will happen- that we will get approved and not have to worry about money until...farther down the road..

Trust what? I don't have a very good track record with trust in God.

In other news, I hit rock bottom last night and have decided to clean up. My room. My house. My school things, my emotions, my habits, my mental tendencies.

My health.

My love life. My friendships.

Because I deserve to enjoy my life. Yes i do. And I owe it to myself to make choices that will be rewarding in the future.

New Fall Sunlight

looks different than other sunlight for some reason..

Woke up this morning, grabbed two trash bags, and cleaned out my car.

Why?

Because it is booted and will get towed. I owe Denver 650 dollars in the next 24 hours, which won't happen.

Why?

Because my loans are now around two months late. TWO MONTHS. Those things were supposed to pay for rent and...tickets...

I can't count how many times I've stopped to ask myself whether or not it was a good idea to go to school this semester. As a non-resident. But the TRUTH is that I'm enrolled NOW. It doesn't matter whether or not it was a good idea. I'm already here. I'm doing it.

AND-for the first time that I can remember, I want to be in school. I'm making excellent grades, studying hard (i may actually pass math this semester...).

BOTTOM LINE: I'm benefiting from school. To benefit from something right now is a way big deal. Furthermore, I am NOT the only student to be having a hard time financially-pushing through school and coming out in debt. So, here goes cliche: what good does it do me to worry about debt or financial crisis when nothing I can do will fix it NOW?

**This doesn't mean I'm not being proactive about making ends meet. I clean a daycare with a friend on Sundays and apply for jobs every day.

What's important to me?

Allowing myself to do with my whole life what gives me and others in need JOY. Right now, that means getting a degree. A degree in some field that says, "Hey, this girl is qualified to help refugee mothers," or, "This chick would probably be good at directing a program that focuses on enriching the lives of families on welfare or living in government housing. We should let her do that. In fact, we should pay her to do that."

So this morning, I will not beat myself up for enrolling in school. NOR will I beat myself up about getting street sweeping/parking tickets whose unpaid status caused my car to get booted. It was a lesson. One that you don't learn in Texas...or at least in Euless, TX. So- I learned a lesson. Big deal. No, really- it was a big deal to learn it. But it's learned and I will resolve it when loans come in.

Why?

Because that's all I CAN do, and I have to be ok with that.

Gonna go clean a daycare.

The Kindness I Owe Myself

Seldom have I said what I felt for fear of causing pain or disappointment in the hearts of loved ones.

But somehow, despite my striving, that has happened regardless.

So I have RESOLVED to be honest unto myself. Lying to yourself day in and day out does not create comfort or joy. It creates confusion and depression. **statement made based on experience**

So I will say this as an intro to who knows what will come:

I have not been good to myself, even in the midst of revolution and transformation. I have always employed the hateful approach- if I beat myself up enough, maybe I would get tired of the punishment and change. That method isn't effective in my life...and if I'm not mistaken, it isn't effective in anyone's life, truly.

So this, my third try, is my journey in pursuit of my sankalpa.

Stay tuned, if you want. If not, I understand, seeing that there will be no apologies or backpedaling this time around.