New Fall Sunlight

looks different than other sunlight for some reason..

Woke up this morning, grabbed two trash bags, and cleaned out my car.

Why?

Because it is booted and will get towed. I owe Denver 650 dollars in the next 24 hours, which won't happen.

Why?

Because my loans are now around two months late. TWO MONTHS. Those things were supposed to pay for rent and...tickets...

I can't count how many times I've stopped to ask myself whether or not it was a good idea to go to school this semester. As a non-resident. But the TRUTH is that I'm enrolled NOW. It doesn't matter whether or not it was a good idea. I'm already here. I'm doing it.

AND-for the first time that I can remember, I want to be in school. I'm making excellent grades, studying hard (i may actually pass math this semester...).

BOTTOM LINE: I'm benefiting from school. To benefit from something right now is a way big deal. Furthermore, I am NOT the only student to be having a hard time financially-pushing through school and coming out in debt. So, here goes cliche: what good does it do me to worry about debt or financial crisis when nothing I can do will fix it NOW?

**This doesn't mean I'm not being proactive about making ends meet. I clean a daycare with a friend on Sundays and apply for jobs every day.

What's important to me?

Allowing myself to do with my whole life what gives me and others in need JOY. Right now, that means getting a degree. A degree in some field that says, "Hey, this girl is qualified to help refugee mothers," or, "This chick would probably be good at directing a program that focuses on enriching the lives of families on welfare or living in government housing. We should let her do that. In fact, we should pay her to do that."

So this morning, I will not beat myself up for enrolling in school. NOR will I beat myself up about getting street sweeping/parking tickets whose unpaid status caused my car to get booted. It was a lesson. One that you don't learn in Texas...or at least in Euless, TX. So- I learned a lesson. Big deal. No, really- it was a big deal to learn it. But it's learned and I will resolve it when loans come in.

Why?

Because that's all I CAN do, and I have to be ok with that.

Gonna go clean a daycare.